It Takes a Village

I spent yesterday afloat in a community of people, and it has given me cause to contemplate: what makes a community?  The people I spent this year working with held a 'do' yesterday that managed to spend the whole day in praise of one another, speaking well of the departing and laughing together without any pretense, back-biting or sarcasm. What is the glue that holds communities together?  When I was reflecting on this in the early hours of the day it occurred to me that many people would say the leadership, or others the constituent people and their character. BUT I have seen plenty of environments which have a high level of one or the other and fail to create a cohesive community. 

I propose that it is the subtle 'norms' created by a sort-of culture created in groups of people which is unconsciously expressed.  For example, new people to this community get the vibe through signals that 'we don't do that here' and adjust their behaviour accordingly.  I have seen how fragile these positive communities are: one element out of balance and people do things they don't normally do.  People who suddendly undervalued in a previously positive workplace can change their loyalty, work ethic and even their moral compass based on a common enemy.

So how do we create and preserve a cohesive and positive community?  The only thing that I can see that works is: value your members.  It seems to be that simple.  Valued people work harder, feel more loyal and give more of themselves to the community. Goodwill is so imporatnt that it has been given a financial value in business. The value of goodwill in a community cannot be undersold.  Being able to rely on forgiveness at best and leeway at worst are more likely to lead to a connected and therefore positive member of the community.

So where does that leave us all? At the eve of a huge holiday which celebrates (among other things) community I can only say that I am grateful.  Thank you to everyone who has let me be a part of their wonderful and loving community.

The Good Earth

There are lots of times when gardening that I can really feel the pleasure and love of it all.  Those, "Hello, little seed!" moments, when things first perk up out of the ground, or those mild days when I run my fingers through the crusty earth and it all just seems to be good and worthwhile. 

Unfortunately, today did not seem to be one of those days! Too hot to be out, swinging a mattock into the woven mat of cooch grass weeds covering our would-be melon patch, things just seemed to be a bit of a pain in the tuchus at the moment.  At these times, I can start to wonder why we bother.  But then, I reflect on the other day sitting at the table and having my two-year old point to a particularly juicy tomato and say, "This is from our garden!"  Well, it wasn't but it is nice to know that he relates the tastiest morsels at the table to that statement we have clearly repeated to him so frequently!  It helps me remember that beyond the economy of growing our own food, beyond the environmental purpose, and even beyond the superior taste of homegrown food there is a purpose: leading by example, teaching our kids about where our food comes from, empowering them with the simple life skill of growing food. 

Ah! Tasty!

Junk Food Junkie

Foster children have issues with food.  End of story. Everybody knows this.

What to do about it? People are much less sure about the answer to that question!  I read a blog that said that there was very little surprise in it, and it makes sense.  How many of us think we have issues around food, yet very few of us have felt real, genuine hunger- the kind that overrides your conscious thought.  Well it seems this hunger gets right down into the basic circuitry of little ones.

It means that four years later we still have food-smuggling issues, particularly around sweets.  Again, this makes sense because imagine living on white bread, coke and lollies for six years then WHAM- cold turkey!  Or as my lovely husband put it, "Imagine if someone told you that you had to do without coffee from now on..."

We have made huge gains on this. Most days we don't encounter issues at all. We have spent time working on honesty. Our kids garden and help cook to take ownership of healthy food.  They enjoy and try some pretty strange food items, and are so much better about food these days.

Nevertheless, there are days when these food-smuggling scenes are incredibly trying.  Today is one.  Among other smuggled things, we discovered one of our girls' new, mandatory, $85 school bag had gum sticking the insides together.  She'd found the gum on a bus seat, and well, now it is going to be with us for a very long time!
Well, these are only material things, I suppose.  It's more about the social lack of cred for eating scunge off the bus seats. That's the sort of thing that can hang around you for a long time in a school career.


So the question is, how do we help our kids be safer?  How do we protect them from themselves?  It's the bittersweet situation of school aged kids, I suppose.  We send them off to be on a bus with big kids, schooled by people we barely know and just hope, fingers crossed, that they are not going to catch hepatitis from some bus seat gum. What are the odds, right?

image from "Things that are Sticky" http://thingsthataresticky.blogspot.com/2008/08/gum-on-bus-seat-back.html

In pursuit of work-life balance!

This morning I checked my email at breakfast to discover I was accidentally sent an email about me, not to me...

Now, I was raised to believe that you work hard, do your best for your employer and they will show you the same loyalty.  I was also raised to believe that a good mother is there for the upbringing of her kids.  Obviously all modern parents go through this same sort of pull and tug: are we career people or parents?  Well, um, both?

I spent the last several years working full time and trying to be a good mum and I can honestly say that it was too hard. For me, at least. The workload, plus the stress were tough but mostly it was the guilt- maternal guilt.  I hated having to ask my kids to leave me alone.  I hated getting calls from people who would ask how it felt to be a 'real mother' during school holidays when I could be home with my kids.  I hated that terrible, tugging feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was missing it- all of it- the good stuff.

So this year I changed to a part-time teacher, and it has been fantastic. I can actually do Mum-type things like bring forgotten lunches to school or bake and go to music class with my littlest one.  I can remember what my husband looks like and I don't have to send my kids away from me... very often.

 Back to that email: I am returning to my previous employer at the end of the year and have requested that I continue part-time.  I work for a state, and they are quite explicit on parental rights and family-friendliness, but apparently my right to continue part time is ambiguous.  The email was from my future second-in command to my future boss, and used words like "demanding" to describe my request for part time work.  This woman was complaining about me not wanting to work part time but come in every day, as is my right by law.  She recommended that they tell me they cannot provide me with a part time job.

I have to say this hit me like a truck.  Mostly because it was aimed at the most core, essential parts of me: providing for and caring for my family.  Ouch! After a lot of reflection I am still not entirely sure what to do.  I need to work if we wish to keep living in a house big enough for seven.  I need to care for my children. 

So, I ask you good folks who might be reading: is it a right to work part-time? Is it an employer's prerogative to give and take away?  Is there such a thing as work-life balance? Is the notion of employer/employee loyalty too old fashioned for today's world?  I would really like to hear people's thoughts.

This is not a done-deal,  I am sure the person regretted sending it to me because she tried to recall it four times.  I will stick up for myself, but I hate having to fight for it.  As my good friend Jenny said, "ideally you will fight, get them to give you what you want, then get a job elsewhere!"  Yes, too true, Jenny.  I just may have to.

Today is a new day!

You always hear people say that their kids have taught them how to enjoy the world anew, to look at the world differently.  Sometimes it is really hard to see things from their angle. Often I know we find ourselves hustling and bustling around, meeting deadlines, bus schedules and homework regimes. It is easy to focus on the demands made on your time, or the upkeep, the mountain of laundry waiting to be sorted and the pee on the carpet from missed toilet time.

BUT, people are right in that kids can be really great opportunities to slow down and enjoy things.  For example, yesterday Zeke woke me up at 5:30 to tell me there were rainbows in the sky.  It was the sunrise and he held my hand and took me outside to look at the clouds which he articulately described as yellow, pink, blue and red.  It was stunning, and something I would have missed entirely otherwise.  Now, I will not tell a lie, it is pretty damn hard to have a grateful heart at 5:30am, but I just stopped and enjoyed and wondered.  Wondered at the sky and at this amazing little person that was given to me to show it to me.  Wondered at how quickly he has learned to tell me about what he sees, and wondered about how amazing it is that he wanted so desperately to share it with me he dragged me out of bed at dawn.  *Sigh*

Of course, if he keeps doing it, I will have to work out some sort of bed-strapping device...

Hello to everyone out there!

Welcome to my first blog. I am setting some goals for myself and write today to share some beautiful moments, and help remind myself about the genuine beauty life offers us every day.

The mission is to document my journey as a foster mother of five- the good, the bad and the ugly!

We have five lovely kids from one biological family that have been given into our care on a permanent basis.  They are diverse, funny and trying in nearly equal measures.

Top moments of the day:

Zeke, 2, climbed into our bed at six this morning.  This would be so awful on anyone less cute!! He has mastered charm in so many ways. He knows funny.  He has an audience of six at nearly all moments of his day.  Lately his imagination has been flourishing. He hops into bed and pretends to go for a swim.  He spots monsters and cats on the roof.  During music clsass he noticed a lion that had been spying on us. Delightful!

Ariel, 6, asked today if she had a rash on her teeth... hmmmmmm??! No, darling, no, you don't.

Whole family to the hairdressers today, The Last Tangle http://www.thelasttangle.com.au/contact
treats our children like princesses and sprays their hair with sparkly hair spray after a cut.  What lovely people! The entire world could take a page out of their book, based on the way they treat children.  I have noticed that young and very young people have quite a different status in the world.  Don't get me wrong- I believe that they are not full-grown adults and shouldn't be treated like they are.  BUT, so many people treat young folk, particularly teenagers, like they have nothing of value to contriubte. They are our future, people!   Congrats to The Last Tangle for their consistently awesome and sincerly loving demeanour with four girls and a boy who could really use some royal treatment!

Hmmmm.... I suppose that is enough for a first posting. More tomorrow on the fosterista take on the world.
Cheers,
Valerie