Parenting Failure?

I've been thinking about this blog and the idea has dawned on me that its biggest flaw is the facade it paints: the perfect foster-mummy coming up with advice and solutions which I beatifically impart to my friends and family. Sigh.

Of course we all know it is not like that at all, and I do try to discuss the more complicated aspects of parenting.  However sometimes it just feels like failure.  Like falling.  Like losing, and more importantly like we are impersonators of parents.  Fake parents.  This last concept gets unconsciously reinforced by the general populace: where are their real parents? what are their real parents doing?  It's difficult because it feels damn real, being a foster parent or parent or otherwise.

So, failure.  By this I mean, we have these kids and we can see them for all their beauty and potential and yet they spend all their time sabotaging this: eating food off the ground, spitting on strangers, kicking at their classmates' faces for laughing at them, lying to us, refusing to brush their teeth until their breath is fetid and smells like rotting meat... The list goes on.  I suppose in a way many things on the list are just 'normal' parenting, and many are unique to the fostering situation.  Failing to prevent disaster is a difficult topic to approach and discuss with friends.  Most are sympathetic.  Some have some ideas or strategies to try.  People sometimes discuss it like a bad business venture- like something that was always risky and likely to go wrong.  They point out how late we got the older children, how broken and distressed they already were.  Scientifically speaking, or mathematically speaking the odds were good that one or two of them would be angry, deceitful, broken little people I suppose.

None of these points capture the despairing, hope-crushing feeling in my chest.  They are not just attempts, practices at something.  They really are these incredible, potential-filled human beings.  So I have to ask, is that just part and parcel to being a parent?  Watching your children make these dreadful mistakes and just holding your breath, hoping and praying that they will learn from them?  Because if it is, sometimes it hurts a lot.

But, while I have been writing this a little three year old has poked his head around the corner and asked if I was sad.  He offered to make it better, gave me a hug and then said, "are you better?" And I guess I am.  Maybe the trick to being a parent is about being really goddamn persistent.  So I am using this healing hug to give me the superpower bravery to get up and keep trying.

Homemade Holiday Programme

My kids have historically been waaaaaay more excited about going to OOSH (Out of School Hour) care than they are about being at our house.  Now, I know that to a certain point this is natural.  There are social possibilities available at OOSH that are simply not available at most homes.  As for activities, we have a pretty recreational yard: pool, swing set, trampoline, sandpit, sports equipment... we are reasonably set up for the kids to enjoy, but they seem to relish doing these same activities more when they are at someone else's place.

Science Experiment Day

These holidays just gone, our kids were exhausted and so were we.  Five kids starting a new school or preschool and myself at a new school too!  It was all a bit much for us so we decided to rest, which means we gave up any plans to go somewhere for our holidays in order to stay at home instead.  "Ho hum" said our kids.  That was when I got the idea:  I decided to put together an itinerary like they give the kids at OOSH.

Cubby House Sleepover


It worked!  Not only did it energise, excite and empower the kids about their holidays it actually forced Brook and I to do at least one cool, recreational thing with the kids every day.  It also forced me into my 'teacher-brain' to think of all the amazingly fun-filled ideas I know for children to do.  Things I don't normally consider doing at home.

Wind in the Willows at Botanic Gardens

One of the school holiday favourites was taking the kids' bikes to the park for a barbecue, which we really should do more often.  Another favourite was Science Experiment Day, where I trotted out all my tried and true hands-on science discoveries for them.  It was surprisingly satisfying sharing them with my children!

Make your own pizza day

Science Experiment Day

"An amazing holiday" said Melissa "Mum had a million things planned for us, one for every single day!"  "Cool holiday because we did awesome things and like, science experiments were awesome." added Summer. 


I think they really liked the amount of information and input into the schedule they had.  They seemed to find it reassuring to know that we had big plans for them every day.  It meant that even if we were all laying around the house reading right NOW, there was still a workshop at the Library for them to attend later in the day or a cake to bake.  And what about us?  I think we liked it because it forced us to get out of the house, and to behave in our home town as if we were tourists.  To be honest, part of me was a bit embarrassed to share this story because it would reveal the truly anal-retentive lengths to which I will go when allowed.  However, I think there is a lesson here: I think sometimes we expect our kids to read our minds, to know what we have in store for them and to trust that we have great plans.  Maybe we just need to share a bit more of them sometimes, even if it commits us to going through with them!